Saturday, 14 March 2015

12 petitions with fewer signatures than the Jeremy Clarkson one

Jeremy Clarkson, bastion of high waisted jeans and good old fashioned British racism is in trouble again. And I mean beyond the general spiritual trouble one is in if one is besties with David Cameron and the one with the cheese from Blur. Allegedly, there was a bit of a bust up over a burger at the BBC, Jezza punched a guy and he liked it. Allegedly. The BBC were not quite so keen on man-on-man fist action, and suspended him. Because it's not cool to go around punching people at work. Allegedly. Unless you are a boxer.

A petition has been started in order to help Jezza get back to work as soon as possible. As I write, this petition has 888,475 signatures. That's getting on for a million people who think either a) it's cool to punch people at work or b) Jeremy Clarkson provides a calibre of banter that puts him in an 'artistic genius' category and thus above the normal social mores of us mere mortals. 

Either of these is a startling proposition.

But I get it, sometimes you just really want to sign a petition. SO, to help out, I have trawled and found 12 prime specimens languishing behind the punchy (allegedly) man's. You are welcome.

1) 'George Osborne: stop taxing periods'
Because Jeremy Clarkson is more important than anything that's going near our vaginas. Actually, Jeremy Clarkson's net worth means he could probably pay for several menses of biblical proportions. Petition Jeremy Clarkson: start paying for our periods!
Currently at 205, 073 signatures.

2) 'Death: Reinstate Terry Pratchett'.
Sobs. I think Terry Pratchett would have loved this, but has enough trouble changing taxes, the other big Unavoidable is unlikely to bend. But hey, Death, if you're listening, we could do a straight swap. Allegedly.* 
Currently at 23, 983 signatures.

3) 'Disney: Jar-Jar Binks Movie'
Ah, the tragic underdog-space-creature-thing , in so many ways (read: no ways at all) like Clarkson. Destined to be spurned by geeks and the liberal lefties who run the BBC.
Currently at 8 signatures. No-one loves Jar-Jar.

4) 'National Apology to Punk Rock in Parliament'
'The punks were right and the media establishment really were a load of dirty bastards.'
Well, exactly. Actually this petition not only calls for an apology but for the day of apology to be made into a national holiday, called National Punk Rock Day. THIS WOULD BE EXCELLENT, WHY HAVEN'T YOU SIGNED IT ALREADY?
Currently at 13 signatures, what is wrong with the world?

5) 'Bring down the age of smears to 18'
Well, yes, but if Jeremy is more important than tampons, he's almost certainly more important than cervixes (cervii?) too.
Currently at 70,921 signatures.

6) 'David Cameron: stop the 11% payrise for MPs salaries'
... and give it to the hard working staff at your local library instead. *bats eyelashes hopefully*. I think this petition would have garnered more signatures, but they made a tactical error with the photo. Cameron looks hungover so the public are either feeling sorry for him or sadistically aiming to maximise income and therefore hangover potential for him and his cronies. 
Currently at 355,826 signatures.

7) 'Redheads should have emoji too!'
Yeah they should! Look how adorable that flame-haired bunch of pixels looks! Plus...
Currently at 5705 signatures

8) 'The Taco emoji needs to happen'
... people get surprisingly ideologically attached to the form of small pictorial communication symbols...
Currently at 30,488 (!) signatures.

9) 'Release a Pi emoji', really attached...**
Currently at 54 signatures.

10) 'Make a Papaya emoji'
('Sometimes when I need to use a Papaya emoji to prove a point, I have to settle for a pear and that is honestly unacceptable.')
Currently at 30 signatures.

11) 'Pay NHS staff fairly! #NHSpay
Let's be honest, if (allegedly) punching at work is going to become acceptable for colleagues as well as time cards, we're going to need the NHS.
Currently at 164, 665 signatures.

12) 'Replace Jeremy Clarkson with Julian Clary as presenter of Top Gear.'
*resists any and all gear-stick-based innuendo*
Wouldn't that be nice though?
Currently at 5334 signatures.

All of the screenshots have been taken from so if you fancy rebalancing the world a bit, go forth and sign! 

*You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. - Ed.
** also. highly amused by the thoughts of a little Pi symbol bound in chains and straining furiously to be free. YOU CAN'T CAGE the mathematical truth guys.

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