But you know, I really do. Perhaps the Christmas Tree ritual just indulges the dominatrix princess in all of us? Take that UK Porn Laws, we up in yo living rooms under the tinsel!
Anyway, in previous years we haven't had a fairy on top of our tree. Most of my decoration needs have been filled by Poundland and Princesses in there are all twirling around the floor, not sitting on the shelves. It really is a place of wonder*. Angry birds and inflatable parrots have been perched upon our tree but nothing without a beak.
This year though we have a Christmas fairy! Here she is, with her wee smiling face and her Raspberry beret.
Do you too want a smiling wordy humanoid to top your tree corpse?
Then read on friend!
I should say here that I wasn't planning to make an fairy. I was just messing about with some wire of an evening (as you do) and made some fairy wings. And then had to make a fairy to go in front of the wings. Obv. So these instructions will not be what you might call comprehensive, but she's really quite easy (chortle) and very adaptable to what you have hanging around the house. I mean, I assume she is. Either that or I have a very strange house.
You will need
1mm craft wire (thickish wire)
0.5mm craft wire (thinnish wire)
Flat nose pliers and snippy pliers
Two paperback books (these will need to be the same height / width)
A bauble / polystyrene ball / vaguely head shaped object (preferably not an actual head)
Fairy accessories (chic!)
A permanent marker
Needle and thread
Glue (I used both superglue and epoxy resin, but I have to say that if you have a hot glue gun then a lot less swearing will likely be involved in your Fairy's birth)
So! To make the wings you just snip a length (I used about 75cm) of the thicker wire and bend it into a wing shape. Um. This was when I was just mucking around with wire. So no helpful photos. But the shape you're looking for is beautifully depicted in the top left of the collage below. Thank you Open Office Draw. Then take the thinner wire and coil it up and re-straighten it to give it a bit of texture. Fill in your wing shape by passing it from side to side, wrapping it once or twice around the thicker wire as you get to each side. This is solo-chuckle-brother fairy stage. Feel free to hum 'To-me-to-me' as you do this.
Next she needs a sexy body and what could be sexier than the florid prose of Mills and Boons? You can pick these up at charity shops for around 50p and (after a quick search on eBay, cos certain titles are worth megabucks) they make excellent crafting fodder. They are the original pulp fiction and at the end of a print run, unsold M and Bs are carted off, pulped and used (among other things) in road building materials! You could be driving on engorged members! That's a misandrist's dream right there. A fairy is a much more dignified end.
Take a book, remove the cover, and fold the bottom corner of page one up to the spine. Keep doing this for the whole story and you'll get a beautiful full skirt (see below). Massacre another book, pop them back to back and you have a body!
Staple the wings to one book-half-body, and glue the other book-half-body to the resulting anatomy, leaving a wee jacksie for the tree branch.
Discover that if you plop the head like object straight on top of this, it gives your fairy terrible posture. Decide to make a muff out of tinsel to help a fairy out. Snip a wee length of tinsel, coil it up and fix together with needle and thread.
Your fairy's head can have whatever accessories fit her personality. Mine got a wee Raspberry beret because I had a bit of crochet lying around but yours could have hair ribbons! Or an earring tiara! Or a Harry Potter scar! You should give her the dignity of a permanent marker face though.
Now you just need to stick it all together. This is where I need a hollow laugh sound effect. Ahem. Like I say, I think this would be a truckload easier to do if you have a glue gun. But it is possible with some Epoxy resin, superglue, determination and a lot of swearing.
And now you have a Christmas fairy! After an undignified wrangle with a tree branch she can preside on high over your festivities!
*It should be noted here that Poundland really does have a special place in my heart, particularly for their Christmas decorations. LOOK AT THE SPARKLES!