Tuesday, 15 July 2014

On the inherent disappointment of yoghurt

I'm worried about Nicole Scherzingerererer. Yes, you do know her. You know from the Pussy Cat Dolls? They did that song, the one wanted you to dump your girlfriend, if you had one? To be absolutely fair to them, they didn't actually want you to dump your girlfriend. They just wanted you to admit that you coveted Nicole with her bendy, bendy legs and then stay miserably in your now tarnished husk of a relationship. I think. If you were a girlfriend, I think they just wanted you to admit to the mediocrity of your non-bendy legs and cry into a tub of ice-cream.

You may say to me: 'Anna I care not for this woman, however bendy her legs and flicky her hair'! And I say to you, gentle reader, that she needs our help! She is suffering terribly and I for one won't stand by and watch it happen.

Back when she had her crew of cats, it wasn't such an issue. She had a legitimate* musical outlet for her excess energy. There were ample opportunities for bumping, and indeed grinding. Things were good.

But now it's getting out of hand. It's interfering with her life. The poor woman can't even eat a yoghurt without coming to, ahem, sexual satisfaction. 

Yes, I'm sure you've all seen the appeals on TV. Poor Nicole, purring seductively, sucked into a sordid whirl of dairy-product-based excitement. Worryingly, she seems to relate to the food-stuff on a personal level, cooing over its 'balls of deliciousness'. In later scenes which some viewers may find upsetting, things take a turn for the messy and the we are faced with enormous, desperate eyes peering out from a yoghurt-covered face.

A cry for help. And a crispy chocolatey topping. Image via
Unfortunately, it's not just deluxe yoghurts which have this effect on Nicole. Other ordinary household products have been known to trigger similar reactions, including shampoo. In fact, her shampoo-compulsion has become so strong that in at least one confirmed case she has been reduced to washing her hair in an aeroplane toilet. The repercussions for 'bounce' levels and fellow passengers' bladders are rumoured to be dire.

A good hair day: but at what price? Image via
But there is hope, Nicole! As a first step, I suggest limiting yourself to plainer household products to prevent you becoming overwhelmed. Vanilla yoghurts and Tesco Basic shampoo both come highly recommended. And what one lady does in the privacy of her own home is her own business, but might I recommend some mechanical assistance to calm those racing urges? I hear Ann Summers is very good for that sort of thing.

I'm off to find a yoghurt. For some reason, I suddenly really fancy one.

*sort of

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